Spouses vs Kids, DFWChild

Balancing the Needs of Spouse and Kids / Who should come first in a healthy home, the husband or the children? WORDS Lisa Ferguson PUBLISHED October 2015 in DallasChild, FortWorthChild, NorthTexasChild The saying is true: A mother’s work is never done. Amid shuttling kids around town – from soccer practice, to the dentist, to piano lessons and back again – along with myriad other tasks that pack their hectic schedules on any given day, it is easy to understand how some moms (consciously or otherwise) can make tending to their youngsters’ physical and emotional needs their top priority. In the process, though, their own needs – as well as those of their husbands and marriages – may be forced to take a backseat. Consider it a modern-day version of the classic chicken-or-the-egg debate: Who should come first in a healthy home, the spouses or the children? The issue is hotly contested on mom-friendly websites and blogs such as Babble and HuffPost Parents, where the majority of women and mental-health experts favor putting husbands in the top spot for the sake of the marriage, which – if properly nurtured – should last well past the time the kids leave the nest. In the other corner are kid-first proponents who say children require a mother’s undivided attention in order to navigate through daily life; these moms remind that husbands are adults who are able to care for their own needs. Either way you slice it, “I think that’s an extremely unhealthy way to look at it and potentially toxic, because in that situation somebody is somehow going to be a loser,” explained Dr. Honey A. Sheff, a licensed clinical psychologist in Dallas. “There’s no way, if you meet one’s needs and not the other’s, that you don’t create a win-lose situation.” Sandy Carter and her husband, Nelson, have been married for nearly 20 years. The Celina mother of three said the couple’s solid relationship is the bedrock of their family. “All of us … need to feel loved and wanted and cared for and appreciated. If all of your attention goes into your children and they are your ultimate priority, and your husband never is, I would be concerned” about the durability of the marriage. When presented with the question of who comes first in the family, Carter said, “Most people are going to tell you they put their kids first, but … I don’t think it’s to mean ‘I love them more than I love my husband.’ It’s a different type of love.” Dr. Traci Lee, a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Uptown, said, “I do know that there are people who probably do love their kids more than they love their spouse, but [that relationship is] probably not going to end well. It may not end in divorce, but I bet it’s not going to end in a long-term, satisfying relationship.” That’s a lesson Kaylii Marcum, a longtime Collin County resident, said that she learned the hard way with her first marriage, which produced two children but lasted only three years. “We got to a point where we put the kids first and … we weren’t staying [in the relationship] because we loved the other person.” She married her second husband, Josh, last year. Their newly blended family boasts five children between them. “We are both firm believers that we have to tend to each other’s needs first,” she said. “It’s kind of a snowball effect: If we’re happy and our relationship is healthy … the kids are going to be happy and healthy as well.” So while the consensus is that placing the marital relationship and its needs above those of the children likely creates the healthiest hierarchy, the key to making it work is maintaining a proper balance between all members of the family. “There will be times when your children’s needs come first, and there will be times when your spouse’s needs come first,” Sheff said. “The greatest degree of satisfaction and contentment is when everyone’s needs are being met.”